How to Tell Your Aging Parent to Stop Driving
Nobody likes being the bearer of bad news. For a senior, being told you can’t drive anymore definitely qualifies as the worst kind of news. But sometimes it’s necessary. If your loved one has gotten increasingly sloppy with their driving skills and may be putting themselves and other drivers on the road at risk, you can’t sit idly by.
Making the decision that it’s time to take the keys away is difficult enough, but communicating that to your loved one can be even harder. In most areas of the United States, driving is associated with independence. Taking that privilege away from someone will definitely be dramatic and call for a difficult discussion. Fortunately, there are a few ways you may be able to make it sting a little less.
Start talking about it early.
If you can help it, don’t just spring the news on them out of nowhere. Start talking about it when the warning signs are mild. Point out some issues you noticed with their driving, or bring up a recent diagnosis that could point to problems down the line, and talk about the fact that the day is coming when they should probably give up driving.
You’ll both likely find the process easier if your loved one can ease into it. When you start to see a problem, consider asking them if they’d agree not to drive in bad weather or at night, or to only drive short distances. If they get used to working within those limitations, the switch to no driving won’t feel quite as dramatic when the time comes.
Give them the chance to take the test.
It really is hard to know for sure when the time’s come – for both you and them. If there’s any doubt, or if your loved one is insistent that they’re fine and needs some extra convincing, head down to the DMV. They can take a driving test and vision test and if they fail, the decision will be taken out of your hands and they’ll have to accept the results. Be prepared that they might pass though, and if you still see them making dangerous driving mistakes, you may have an even more difficult discussion on your hands later.
Explain the risks.
On a certain level, they know the risks, but they don’t want to think about them. Discuss how a wreck could affect them physically, mentally, monetarily – and worse – morally, if someone else gets hurt. On top of all the more obvious consequences, if they cause damage to someone else’s property or injury to another person, they could be sued and risk losing their hard-earned retirement savings.
Emphasize that it’s not just about them.
If they hurt themselves, that affects their family and loved ones. If they hurt another person, that affects their family and loved ones. The consequences of a car accident can be extremely far reaching. This isn’t a decision that can just be about what they want.
Be stern – it’s not a negotiation.
If you’re at the point where you can still negotiate without much risk (as in our suggestions above about only daytime driving, etc.), then feel free. If you’ve reached the point where you’re worried your loved one’s driving is too much of a risk for that, then you have to be stern. Feeling responsible for their anger today is better than feeling responsible for a wreck later.
Taking the car away won’t just be a sacrifice for the senior, you and the rest of their loved ones will have to pick up some of the slack and start giving more rides. Make it clear that this isn’t the end of their being able to make it to their weekly book club or get groceries, have a plan for attending to that stuff in advance. Loved ones should commit to regular trips – Suzy agrees to drive her to church every week, Joe is in charge of trips to the pharmacy, for example. And provide information on other alternatives your loved one can take advantage of:
- Learn the routes of the local bus or subway system
- Look into local ride share options
- Consider a senior living community with transportation options
- Services like Amazon, Instacart and GrubHub can help decrease the need for running errands, where available
- See if there’s a family friend or local high schooler who wouldn’t mind making a little cash in exchange for running errands or providing rides
Losing driving access isn’t the end of the world, but it will be a difficult transition. Work to make it as easy on your loved one as possible and be prepared to field some anger and frustration. Ensuring the safety of your loved one is worth it.